27. "Once More Unto the Breach, My Friends!"

[Note: This post was originally posted on NaNoPubYe.org 's blog site,
then moved to this site on 8/7/2005.]

"Tap into what you don't want to say.
Tap into that secret place,
despite the agony, despite the personal pain,
over and above the fatigue."
~ Arthur Penn

I've been afraid to write this particular blog post for a month. No matter how I labeled it -- avoidance, resistance, blockage, procrastination, self-sabotage -- my basic feeling was FEAR. Actually, I had this post halfway written last week, but lost it in a computer SNAFU. I'd worked up my courage -- kind of -- and was busy slip-sliding around my subject with great dexterity, and was just about to sidle up to it, poke it and run when Internet Explorer got funky and my laptop froze. Whew! That was close -- I mean, of all the !@#$%! luck!

So-o-o-o, here I am again, I searched high and low and finally found where my ba*ls were hiding under the bed -- behind our biggest, most hunky, dust bunnies. And we had a little talk that went something like this:

What's the worst that could happen?
Uh, people will judge me and say I'm bad?
Why?
Because they don't agree with me.
And how many people agree with me now? Two ... maybe?
Just two!?
Yeah, well there's two of us and you ...
That makes three that agree with me.
No, cause you don't always agree with yourself the next day and sometimes you can't find us! So you're saying that if I'm afraid that no one will agree with me, then I really don't have anything to be afraid of because no one agrees with me already. So I don't have anything to loose.
Well, I wouldn't put it that way. It sounds pretty harsh, but ... yeah. That's about right.

Folks, welcome to my world.

One month ago today, I wrote a post (#5) about an unusual horoscope that I receive about solving a riddle. I thought it was interesting and shared it with you all, but didn't have a clue what it meant. So you don't have to waste time finding it, I'll reprint it here:

"You are the protagonist in your own version of the "Da Vinci Code," except it's been rewritten into an emotionally intense soap opera. Although you must be intellectually savvy in order to get to the bottom of the riddle, the solution won't come with words. Make use of your high emotional IQ and trust your intuition. Discover the answers not with your head, but within your heart."

I said in the post that I'd get back to you all when I solved the riddle. Problem was that I didn't know what the riddle was to begin with. So, I was working with an unknown. Maybe some math genius could come up with something out of nothing, but mind doesn't cook that way. I can do cognitive leaps, Freudian slips, and conjugal visits, but math tricks are not in my repertoire. One of my tools in that "cognitive leap" category is a Tarot deck. It helps my cognition to leap from one synapse to another that it might not ordinarily go to -- sort of off the beaten path.

Obviously, the horoscope was off the beaten path and the riddle it referred to was even further off into the boonies. To access it I needed a cognitive leap tool. I have a several of those -- Runes, playing Solitaire, I Ching, meditation, free association writing, dreaming, taking a long walk in the Smokey Mountains, shootin' the breeze with one of my best friends, sitting on the commode, and Tarot.

The Tarot tool is used with different techniques, some of which are called layouts or spreads -- which are basically like questionnaires that you fill out with the help of the Tarot cards. My favorite and most often used questionnaire is my "Conflict-Resolution Spread", which has seven basic questions:

1.) What am I already aware of that I need to consider in this situation?
2.) What am I not aware of in this situation?
3.) & 4.) What two things are in conflict or blocking my progress in this situation?
5.) As of this moment, what is the resolution or best advice concerning this conflict?
6.) What would be the most likely outcome if I do not follow this advice? and
7.) What is the most likely outcome if I do follow this advice?

Right away, by using the Tarot, I'm meeting the criterion set out in the horoscope, when it said, "the solution won't come with words. Make use of your high emotional IQ and trust your intuition. Discover the answers not with your head, but within your heart." The Tarot uses pictures, symbols, and archetypal imagery to stir the cognitive stew in our heads, as well as our emotions. It uses of the collective consciousness, as well as our gut-level reactions to intercultural myths, fairy tales and stories. Some people call it magic, because they don't understand it and can't explain it, and it makes them uncomfortable.

So, now I have seven picture cards to use to figure out what the riddle is, what it means, and what it's answer is. The answer to the first question was easy. I got the Hierophant card reversed, which is saying that I'm often unconventional and show a disregard for the rules. Hmmm...well, I suspect that on several levels that is exactly correct. But we knew that already.

What am I not aware of? The second card, the Nine of Rods*, suggests that I'm taking stalk of my past experiences and present situation, regarding my commitment to a particular project -- in my case, I believe it refers to my commitment to writing this blog. It also means that the situation is going to get more difficult for me before it gets better, but that I'm prepared and able. It's a sort of "eye of the storm" sort of card.

What two things are causing conflict and blocking my progress in this writing project? The third and fourth cards are the Knight of Rods and the Four of Pentacles reversed. On the one hand, this describes me as pursuing my dreams and goals of writing with passion and enthusiasm, while still needing to develop my self-discipline. On the other hand, there are going to be delays because of my need to establish strong, long lasting foundations in my writing now, to support the structure of my future writing.

The fifth card, The Fool reversed, represents the Advice for Resolving the Conflict. The Fool is one of those archetypes I referred to earlier and is indelibly imprinted into the motherboard of each and every one of us. It's usually a high-energy card, except that this time it's reversed, so that means that my energy is low. Couldn't be more right about that. I've been sick for the last week or so. It also means that I would very much like to conform to the status quo on some issue, instead of living it in the moment and in my own way, which was the reason for all my fear, worry and angst about writing this post. It means that, if I want to move on -- which of course I do -- I'm going to have to transcend this problem I've made for myself with my out of balance viewpoint and state of mind. I am aware that success is an ongoing process of having the right mental outlook -- it's a state of mind. It also doesn't take near as much work as I make it, because of worrying and fearing unnecessarily. Life is hard enough without borrowing more sh*t to carry around. The trick is to keep a balanced state of being as well as a balanced state of mind. It takes effort and concentration, but it's worth it. These things I know. I just have to get back to doing them.

So what if I don't? The sixth card, the Five of Rods reversed, suggests that if I don't correct my attitude, etc., the situation will become even more complicated. If I think decisions have been difficult to make up 'til now -- hah! just wait -- I "ain't seen nothin', yet." It's just going to keep getting worse if I don't adjust my viewpoint, attitude, and way of being.

And finally, the seventh card, the Ace of Pentacles reversed, suggests to me the most likely outcome if I do follow the advice. My life will be full and the effects of fulfilling my goals will somehow be passed to and help others.

That's cool. I couldn't ask for anything more.

"Close the door.
Write with no one looking over your shoulder.
Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you;
figure out what you have to say.
It's the one and only thing you have to offer."
~ Barbara Kingsolver

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Take care, y'all and...Write On!
~ Nanette

* For this reading I used: the Hanson-Roberts Tarot Deck, and The Essential Book of Tarot by Mary Hanson-Roberts, (ISBN: 0880882387) and
Mastering the Tarot: A Guide of Advanced Tarot Reading and Practice by Paul Fenton-Smith. (ISBN: 0731808592)

© Nanette Y. Francis, 2005. All Rights Reserved.